Putin bans Lady Gaga

Earlier today, president Vladimir Putin of Russia signed a new bill banning Lady Gaga from being shown or explained to children. The new law declares her "Pointless, obscene, and against our way of life", and has generated a furore in the political world.

Speaking outside the Kremlin, Mr Putin said "This new law is not discriminatory against Lady Gaga. It simply protects our children from being exposed to her."

Protests against the law by fans of the popstar have been forcibly dispersed by the police, with several protesters hospitalised. One man said "I was arrested and held without charge for 36 hours, just for having Bad Romance on my iTunes. Luckily for me, they destroyed my computer before they could find all the child pornography"

(Source) Lady Gaga demonstrating the new Windows 8 background

Critics have said that the new law represents a personal attack on the popstar, after Mr Putin took offence at her assertion that he could not 'read her poker face'.

Lady Gaga reacted angrily on Twitter, accusing Putin of Gagaphobia. At a press conference in Miami, while wearing a dress made out of dead babies, she said "I'm a political activist, and that scares him [Putin]. I change the world by making inane comments on a social media website aimed at people with limited intelligence and short attention spans, i.e. most of my fans. Most recently, I've been posting about how important I am in fighting homophobia in Russia, which will make a huge difference to all the gay people being beaten up by neo-nazi thugs".

President Obama attempted to make a statement regarding the new law, but found himself gripped by an acute attack of apathy after hearing 'Do what you want' on the radio. He managed to say "Er... She doesn't really do anything, she's kinda like the appendix of the modern world", before yawning himself into a coma.

Mr Putin was due to respond to criticisms of the law at a UN summit, when he was interrupted by Kanye West, who grabbed the mic and said "Yo Putin, I'ma let you finish, but Kim Kardashian is the most pointless, obscene waste of life of all time".

French Presidency revealed to be new reality TV show

In a shocking press conference earlier today, David Abraham, chief executive of Channel 4, revealed that the French government was in fact an elaborate new reality TV show. He denied that the latest plot-twist, the accusations of an affair between president Francois Hollande and actress Julie Gayet, were scripted. Under its working title "Friends with Benefits Street", the show has been in development for almost 20 years.

The idea was conceived at around the same time as the first of Jacques Chirac's many illegitamate love children. During the early years of his presidency, there were many rumours regarding his insatiable appetite for affairs. His wife, Bernadett de Courcel, was quoted as saying "'e 'ad an obsession wiz 'aving affaires. 'e would ask me to pretende zat I was married to anozzer man and 'e 'ad juste climbed dans ma chambre pour faire du l'amour" [This quote has been transcribed into an implausibly stereotypical French accent for authenticity]. Mr Chirac himself famously said "There have been many women I have loved a lot, as discreetly as possible". When asked for comment earlier this week, he simply shrugged expressively and said "Non". 

(Source) Jacques Chirac re-enacts what he did with his thumbs at the after-party the previous night

David Abraham said "My predecessor had a brain-wave. 'What if we start filming this Chirac bloke. We don't even need a script! This stuff writes itself!'. Well, the board didn't think much of it at first, but some of the early footage was pure gold, so we kept it going".

Things just kept getting better for Channel 4, as in 2007 the famous, diminutive love-rat Nicolas Sarkozy came into power. With his fabulous trophy wife Carla Bruni in tow, the show was going from strength to strength. Long interview segments with Ms Bruni denying being a gold-digger were getting positive feedback from test audiences, although the camera men seemed to have some difficulty getting her and her husband in the same shot.

(Source) Carla Bruni, her bassist, and Nicolas Sarkozy (standing behind the double bass)

However, when the dull and seemingly sexually inert Francois Hollande took office, the Channel 4 board of directors became concerned. Mr Abraham noted that "Fortunately for us, he turned out to be quite stereotypically French".

The hysterically puritanical British tabloids were quick to level hypocritical accusations against Hollande. Although Channel 4 did issue a statement saying that "The sexual exploits depicted within this show are in no way representative of the sexual activity, fidelity or disease status of the French government", the Daily Mail published an editorial asking whether "Mr Hollande's liberal, wishy-washy socialist, tyrannical dictatorship had any moral leg to stand on"[sic]

(Source) Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, and emeritus professor of redundant tautology and congruent oxymorons at the University of Moron

 The Express accused France of using British taxpayers' money to fund Mr Hollande's condom purchases, a claim which he strenuously denies. "I never 'sheathe my sword'. As a truly chivalrous gentleman, however, I always offer to pay for the abortion".


The Sun led with a story asking if Mr Hollande's infidelity had anything to do with billions of illegal immigrants flooding Britain and using benefits money to fund crime against British people. The Home Office answered "As with most nonsensical questions posed by the idiotic tabloid press, the answer is no."

Channel 4's PR agent, Ivana Sukitov, responded by accusing the tabloid press of being jealous, saying, "99% of these guys are men, and boy, are they ugly. And have you seen this Julie Gayet woman? My god, she's gorgeous. I'm heterosexual, but what I wouldn't give to dive head-first between her legs while she forces a pneumatic drill between mine".

(Source) Julie Gayet, French actress and source of pan-gender lust. This caption was typed with one hand.

Former Italian prime minister Sylvio Berlusconi was contacted for a comment, however he could not be heard over the sounds of orgasming 17-year-old escorts and drum'n'bass music.

Meanwhile, no-one in France cared.

World peace a possibility in 2014

In a surprising move towards international unity, world leaders have met in Stockholm for an international New Year Resolution Summit. Various heads of state publicly pledged to stick to their resolutions, and denied that they would fail within a month.

US president Barack Obama announced that he would keep his Norton Antivirus software up to date on his Affordable Care Act computers, "...to prevent any further fuck-ups, and get Bill Fucking O'Reilly off my case". However, Republican opponents have pointed out that the effort of clicking 'Update' may prove too much for a man who couldn't even be bothered to carry his birth certificate on his person at all times.

Meanwhile, David Cameron, prime minister of the UK, has pledged to stick to the advice given in his weekly horoscopes. He went on to say "The latest prediction says that 'You will be spending a lot of time at home this week, because you have no friends. Why not use this time to go fuck yourself?'. Oh, wait, that's not my horoscope, that's yet another bloody note from Ed Milliband".

Vladimir Putin, president of Russia, said that this year, he would continue to crush his enemies. Given his evident success with this in 2013, as correlated with the 'suicide' rate among dissenting journalists and politicians, most observers suspect that Mr Putin is quite likely to achieve a significant decrease in overcrowding if nothing else.

(Source) Vladimir Putin demonstrates his firm grip, reputed to be the leading cause of increasing eunuch numbers in Moscow

Ayatollah Khomeini, supreme leader of Iran, skyped the conference on behalf of his bitch boy Hassan Rouhani, and promised that he would give up enriching uranium. To show his commitment, he has purchased a years' supply of uranium patches to help with the cravings. He has also signed up for rehab, regarding his addiction to attempting to destroy Israel.

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, vowed to continue antagonising Palestinians by building a giant toilet on the West Bank, with a really noisy flush.

Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe, and Chinese president Xi Jinping, both made the same resolution, to increase military spending and mobilise their respective navies to defend disputed territories. They both then claimed that the other had copied them. Mr Jinping inferred that Mr Abe enjoyed receiving anal sex in public locations, to which Mr Abe retorted that he only homoerotic acts with Mr Jinping's mother. Both leaders had to be escorted out by police.

Helle Thorning-Schmidt, the Danish prime minister, said that in 2014 she would "...try to stop being such a smoking hot MILF". However, she went on to say that she could make no promises, while winking suggestively and sucking a lolipop.

(Source) Helle Thorning-Schmidt celebrates after being told that she won FHM's 'Sexiest Politician Award' for the 3rd year running.

(Source) FHM's 'Sexiest Politician Award' runner-up Angela Merkel was visibly disappointed

Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea, was not in attendance. North Korean news agencies reported that in 2014, he would spend less time masturbating on execution warrants, and more time actually reading them.

God to give up on humanity

In a shock announcement on His twitter feed, the Almighty has announced that humanity is simply "...not worth the effort any more". The comments came after years of increasing holy frustration with the seemingly endless self-destructive stupidity of the human race.

(Source) After seeing this old picture (from 2005) on His facebook newsfeed, God decided that humanity was a lost cause

God cited several reasons for deciding not to bother with humanity any more. He is quoted as saying "No matter how many times I try to tell people to just be nice to eachother, the same fucking morons rise to power. And I mean, boy, are they fucking stupid. Look at the Republican Party. Or Michael Gove. Or Ayatollah Khomeini. As if Richard Dawkins needed any more proof that I don't exist."

The Almighty was said to be more full of despair than anger, and political commentators have speculated that this may be why divine retribution in the form of St. Jude's Storm, which was predicted to utterly destroy England, has instead just been a slightly damp, windy day.

(Source) UK citizens did not realise that there was a storm, citing the fact that "The cricket is always cancelled due to rain anyway"

Shortly after the failed armageddon attempt, God tweeted again that He was definitely not going to try to restart humanity again, stating that "When you lot inevitably destroy yourselves, I think next time I'll go with dinosaurs again. But this time with lasers in their eyes. That shit sounds fucking awesome".

Mind-hero Higgs to retire

Professor Peter Higgs, famous for making up the word 'boson' and naming it after himself, announced today that he would retire from science next year, once he reaches the age of 85.  He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Weird Names for his groundbreaking work.

At a press conference he said "Basically, I'm going to turn off my brain by having a massive lobotomy. Then, I might join Westboro Baptist Church, or even start reading the Daily Mail."

(Source) Fred Phelps, Chief Moron of the Westboro Baptist Church has confirmed that if Prof Higgs can reduce his IQ to below 60 he will be allowed to join

Several government figures have been quick to comment on the situation. Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, insisted that Prof Higgs' work, and the subsequent identification of the Higgs boson at Cern would need to be verified by someone educated in his new curriculum because "No-one except me knows anything so everyone else is wrong and smells of poo".

Fire Minister Brandon Lewis is said to be outraged. According to Edward Snowden an anonymous source, he was so angry that he momentarily lost control over his bowels and had to go home to change his trousers and socks. He had recently announced changes to the firefighter's pension scheme that will make it compulsory for firemen to work until the age of 3000, and is said to be keen to lower hospital mortality rates by encouraging people to die at work.

George Osborne was unavailable, as his tongue was wedged firmly in China's collective rectum, gently tickling the national prostate.

The Higgs boson could not be found for comment.

House Republicans begin negotiations with vegetables

In an unusual turn of events, Republican and meat enthusiast House Speaker John Boehner, has sat down at the table with a cucumber, a cabbage and a selection of Democratic sprouts.

(Source) Several senior Democrats, seen here outside Congress, have welcomed the talks

Mr Boehner had previously stated that President Obama refused to negotiate with the Republican-led House, after the Senate released the following statement: "The US Government does not, and will continue to not negotiate with terrorists or fuckwad imbeciles".

However, in a move that has infuriated Republican hard-liners, Mr Boehner approached the Democrats first, in order to create bilateral talks between the House and a variety of healthy foodstuffs. Republican commentators have speculated that this unexpected action has been prompted by a severe case of museum withdrawal. Glenn Beck added "He's a traitor and a pussy, A PUSSY, A FUCKING PUSSY" and proceded to cry.

(Source) Glenn Beck is said to love his country so much that he has the national anthem tatooed on the inside of his colon

Bill O'Reilly led a 48-hour long Fox News special segment on the affair, and was particularly affronted by Mr Boehner's inclusion of a low fat yoghurt and muesli, both of which are signs of innate homosexuality, he has claimed.

Mr Boehner has denied these allegations, and attempted to demonstrate his patriotism and stereotypical Republican insanity by masturbating over a copy of the US Constitution while singing "The Stars and Stripes Forever". The move backfired when he sustained a paper cut on the tip of his penis.

The cucumber was quoted as saying "To be honest, I thought these Republicans would be complete and utter morons, intransigent, petty and pathetically selfish wastes of life, who lack any empathy or ability to compromise, but I was right".

Political experts have high hopes for these talks, and believe that Mr Boehner may in fact soon achieve his "5 a day". His wife was also pleased, saying "He's already had 3 heart attacks, which may not be as many as the typical Republican senator, but he's a significant source of income for me. I'd hate to have to move to a poor neighbourhood, full of criminals, blacks and Democrats".

Not everyone has been convinced of Mr Boehner's sincerity, however. Senator John Kerry remains sceptical, saying "Even if he eats all these vegetables, there's a lot of sprouts. All these talks will generate is a load of hot air"

Error 507

The internet is currently not working properly. This is due to the Republican-led House of Representatives being a bunch of whiny, arrogant turds.

Please try the following:

• Check to see if you have a stable internet connection
• Go on a murderous rampage of Republican congressmen
• Kill everyone in the USA who doesn't have insurance, or may one day have a child who will grow up to not have insurance, thus eliminating the need for Obamacare

If this doesn't work, please try again later in the vain hope that certain Republican fuckwads will have either used some common sense, or had the good grace to die a slow and painful death.

We apologise for any inconvenience, however the House of Representatives emphatically does not, and would like you to know that "We're still getting paid, so FUCK YOU poor people HAHAHAHA"