God to give up on humanity

In a shock announcement on His twitter feed, the Almighty has announced that humanity is simply "...not worth the effort any more". The comments came after years of increasing holy frustration with the seemingly endless self-destructive stupidity of the human race.

(Source) After seeing this old picture (from 2005) on His facebook newsfeed, God decided that humanity was a lost cause

God cited several reasons for deciding not to bother with humanity any more. He is quoted as saying "No matter how many times I try to tell people to just be nice to eachother, the same fucking morons rise to power. And I mean, boy, are they fucking stupid. Look at the Republican Party. Or Michael Gove. Or Ayatollah Khomeini. As if Richard Dawkins needed any more proof that I don't exist."

The Almighty was said to be more full of despair than anger, and political commentators have speculated that this may be why divine retribution in the form of St. Jude's Storm, which was predicted to utterly destroy England, has instead just been a slightly damp, windy day.

(Source) UK citizens did not realise that there was a storm, citing the fact that "The cricket is always cancelled due to rain anyway"

Shortly after the failed armageddon attempt, God tweeted again that He was definitely not going to try to restart humanity again, stating that "When you lot inevitably destroy yourselves, I think next time I'll go with dinosaurs again. But this time with lasers in their eyes. That shit sounds fucking awesome".

Mind-hero Higgs to retire

Professor Peter Higgs, famous for making up the word 'boson' and naming it after himself, announced today that he would retire from science next year, once he reaches the age of 85.  He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Weird Names for his groundbreaking work.

At a press conference he said "Basically, I'm going to turn off my brain by having a massive lobotomy. Then, I might join Westboro Baptist Church, or even start reading the Daily Mail."

(Source) Fred Phelps, Chief Moron of the Westboro Baptist Church has confirmed that if Prof Higgs can reduce his IQ to below 60 he will be allowed to join

Several government figures have been quick to comment on the situation. Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, insisted that Prof Higgs' work, and the subsequent identification of the Higgs boson at Cern would need to be verified by someone educated in his new curriculum because "No-one except me knows anything so everyone else is wrong and smells of poo".

Fire Minister Brandon Lewis is said to be outraged. According to Edward Snowden an anonymous source, he was so angry that he momentarily lost control over his bowels and had to go home to change his trousers and socks. He had recently announced changes to the firefighter's pension scheme that will make it compulsory for firemen to work until the age of 3000, and is said to be keen to lower hospital mortality rates by encouraging people to die at work.

George Osborne was unavailable, as his tongue was wedged firmly in China's collective rectum, gently tickling the national prostate.

The Higgs boson could not be found for comment.

House Republicans begin negotiations with vegetables

In an unusual turn of events, Republican and meat enthusiast House Speaker John Boehner, has sat down at the table with a cucumber, a cabbage and a selection of Democratic sprouts.

(Source) Several senior Democrats, seen here outside Congress, have welcomed the talks

Mr Boehner had previously stated that President Obama refused to negotiate with the Republican-led House, after the Senate released the following statement: "The US Government does not, and will continue to not negotiate with terrorists or fuckwad imbeciles".

However, in a move that has infuriated Republican hard-liners, Mr Boehner approached the Democrats first, in order to create bilateral talks between the House and a variety of healthy foodstuffs. Republican commentators have speculated that this unexpected action has been prompted by a severe case of museum withdrawal. Glenn Beck added "He's a traitor and a pussy, A PUSSY, A FUCKING PUSSY" and proceded to cry.

(Source) Glenn Beck is said to love his country so much that he has the national anthem tatooed on the inside of his colon

Bill O'Reilly led a 48-hour long Fox News special segment on the affair, and was particularly affronted by Mr Boehner's inclusion of a low fat yoghurt and muesli, both of which are signs of innate homosexuality, he has claimed.

Mr Boehner has denied these allegations, and attempted to demonstrate his patriotism and stereotypical Republican insanity by masturbating over a copy of the US Constitution while singing "The Stars and Stripes Forever". The move backfired when he sustained a paper cut on the tip of his penis.

The cucumber was quoted as saying "To be honest, I thought these Republicans would be complete and utter morons, intransigent, petty and pathetically selfish wastes of life, who lack any empathy or ability to compromise, but I was right".

Political experts have high hopes for these talks, and believe that Mr Boehner may in fact soon achieve his "5 a day". His wife was also pleased, saying "He's already had 3 heart attacks, which may not be as many as the typical Republican senator, but he's a significant source of income for me. I'd hate to have to move to a poor neighbourhood, full of criminals, blacks and Democrats".

Not everyone has been convinced of Mr Boehner's sincerity, however. Senator John Kerry remains sceptical, saying "Even if he eats all these vegetables, there's a lot of sprouts. All these talks will generate is a load of hot air"

Error 507

The internet is currently not working properly. This is due to the Republican-led House of Representatives being a bunch of whiny, arrogant turds.

Please try the following:

• Check to see if you have a stable internet connection
• Go on a murderous rampage of Republican congressmen
• Kill everyone in the USA who doesn't have insurance, or may one day have a child who will grow up to not have insurance, thus eliminating the need for Obamacare

If this doesn't work, please try again later in the vain hope that certain Republican fuckwads will have either used some common sense, or had the good grace to die a slow and painful death.

We apologise for any inconvenience, however the House of Representatives emphatically does not, and would like you to know that "We're still getting paid, so FUCK YOU poor people HAHAHAHA"

US Senate to vote on 'Twerking Ban'

The US Senate is preparing to vote on a controversial ban of 'twerking'. Twerking is defined as "to dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance".

Twerking became an international issue after the Miley Cyrus invented it at the 2013 MTV VMAs. Grey-suited shit-monger Robin Thicke performed his unbearably boring song Blurred Lines with the assistance of America's most beloved barely legal, jail-bait, batshit insane mental case, Miley Cyrus. Unfortnately a prank involving magnets placed in Miley Cyrus' underpants backfired when they became strongly attracted to Thicke's mechanical genitals, causing Miley to uncontrollably rub her buttocks on a bemused Thicke.

(Source) Miley Cyrus, with her trademark 'Testicle Supports' hairstyle

Miley's PR agent later explained that "We didn't realise that Robin's robo-cock was ferromagnetic, and would like to apologise to all the enraged, uptight assholes who didn't even see the event but have decided to spread their ignorance around like a chimpanzee smearing faeces on the walls".

The video was soon widely available on the internet, and has polarised America. Proponents of the twerking ban have stated that twerking is immoral, and a cheap way for disturbingly mediocre singers to gain rapid publicity. Billy Ray Austin Cletus Stetson, from Texas, posted an angry rant on youtube, saying "Twerking is agin the Bible and Jaysus", while furiously masturbating to a nude picture of his sister.

Famous mother Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue, saying "As a mom[sic] who has 5 well balanced children with perfectly reasonable names, I am disgusted by the behaviour of Hannah Montana. I'd rather my daughter was Chinese than a twerker".

Opponents of the bill  have argued that a ban is not the answer. Famous feminist and supporter of breast suffrage, Nicki Minaj, said "Sister Miley is fighting against a patriarchal system from a position of complete disadvantage. She liberated her ass on stage, and I support her. That's why I don't wear clothes."

(Source) Britney Spears has stated that she actually travelled back in time to flash her crotch to the world in order to announce the twerkage of Miley Cyrus. She is now demanding that she be considered the John the Baptist of our time

Lady Gaga announced that she was planning a twerking tour of the largest, most phallic objects in the world, including The Gerkhin, the Empire State Building and the Eiffel Tower. She tweeted "It's gonna be awesome, I'm gonna end by shoving the fucking moon up my vagina."

Obama invites Rouhani around for sleepover

In what has been widely acclaimed as a thawing in relations between the USA and Iran, President Rouhani of Iran made a phone call to President Obama earlier today. US officials confirmed that Mr Rouhani would be attending a sleepover at the White House.

Mr Rouhani's mother, Ayatollah Khomeini, has given him permission to stay over for one night, on the condition that he goes to bed by 10pm, and does not drink any fizzy drinks. The Ayatollah posted on mumsnet: "He becomes extremely hyperactive if he drinks Coca Cola. Also, it is bad for your teeth. A jihad upon the destroyer of enamel".

(Source) Ayatollah Khomeini waves to Rouhani after dropping him off on his first day as president

Mr Obama announced "I'm having a small slumber party with some of my friends, like John [Kerry] and Bill [Clinton]. My mum said it would be nice to invite the new kid". He added "It's gonna be cool, we're gonna watch Star Wars. No girls allowed".

Mr Rouhani was recently elected as president of Iran, and is described as a 'moderate'. Benyamin Netanyahu has been critical, saying "Calling him [Rouhani] a moderate politician of Iran is like saying he's the most talented singer in The Wanted. It's bullshit". Mr Netanyahu has snubbed the sleepover, and released a statement saying "I can't be bothered with Obama's sleepover, there wont be any girls there, it's totally gay. I'm having a nuclear party at my place, gonna dance around a warhead in my underpants"

Shocking report: most newspaper journalists are immoral bastards

Lord Justice Leveson has revealed additional data gleaned from his inquiry into the phone-hacking scandal. In a live interview with the press, he stated that "Most journalists willfully and wantonly commit lies of omission or selective reporting of half baked pseudo-facts, in order to dupe the masses into buying their shitty newspapers". His report suggests that when they are not hacking your phones, emails and bank accounts, or engaged in a furious circle jerking session, journalists are actually up to something much more sinister: raping the truth.

(Source) Lord Leveson was so appalled by his findings that he vomited out his own eyeballs.

The report highlights a number of extremely disturbing practices used by many newspaper journalists as they struggle in vain against the slow and painful death of their medium, at the hands of the television and internet. Several prominent journalists and newspaper editors were called in for evidence.

The Daily Mail was revealed to use a Cynical Headline Generator. This consists of a database of tried and tested keywords including 'paedophile', 'illegal immigrant', 'AIDS', 'gay agenda' and 'Ed Milliband'. These are then combined in a randomised manner by a special computer programme with the specific aim of inducing a self-righteous ragegasm in Daily Mail readers. An unintended side effect of this is uncontrollable vomiting and despair in actual humans. The machine was produced as evidence for the inquiry and compiled headlines such as "Ed Milliband's childcare benefits allow paedophiles to spread AIDS", "Record numbers of illegal immigrants allow gay marriage to spread AIDS" and "Nick Clegg spreads AIDS".

The Daily Mail released a statement claiming "All of the headlines generated are rigorously researched to see if their is any evidence to support them, by performing a google search and seeing if any results are returned. If google states 'no results' then that headline is rejected".

(Source) Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, enjoying the smell of his own farts at a conference

Sadly, the report was not confined to the Daily Mail. Tony Gallagher, editor of The Telegraph, admitted to publishing articles ranging from half-truths to outright lies. He said "Look, at the end of the day, this is a business, right? No-one is going to buy a paper with the headline 'Education standards are OK', or 'Excellent teacher helps his students realise their potential'. Probably. As far as we're aware. We've never tried a positive headline. What the fuck kind of shit is that anyway?"

Paul Dacre of the Daily Mail was also interviewed, saying "About these 'failing hospitals', I read the Keogh report, although someone had to help me with some of the longer words. It just wasn't that exciting. So we went with headlines that convinced people that their doctors and nurses were incompetent foreign paedophiles who would murder them or their loved ones in their sleep. People actually feel better thinking that there are paedophiles prowling around their neighbourhoods, why else do they buy my shit heap of a newspaper?"

In his statement, editor of The Sun, David Dinsmore, said "Boobies!".

The News of the World was not included in the addendum to the report after former editor Andy Coulson confessed "I'm really just an awful cunt".

The Guardian was the least maligned (or read[or cared about]) of the newspapers involved. The inquiry found that some of its journalists were occasionally able to report alternative viewpoints, and were at times able to research topics via more stringent methods than a quick Wikipedia search. However, as most of the people who read The Guardian are hipsters, this was disallowed as defence of the journalistic profession on the grounds that hipsters are smug, annoying fuckbags.

Lord Justice Leveson concluded that "The overwhelming determination of my report is that journalists are a bunch of self-aggrandising, puffed up smegma-sacks. They are the first to bitch and whine like little pussies at any perceived slights against themselves or their newspapers, but have no problem lying, manipulating facts and doing horrible things to everyone else. I can only recommend that all journalists be rounded up and buried alive in dog diarrhoea".