Sunday 19 January 2014

French Presidency revealed to be new reality TV show

In a shocking press conference earlier today, David Abraham, chief executive of Channel 4, revealed that the French government was in fact an elaborate new reality TV show. He denied that the latest plot-twist, the accusations of an affair between president Francois Hollande and actress Julie Gayet, were scripted. Under its working title "Friends with Benefits Street", the show has been in development for almost 20 years.

The idea was conceived at around the same time as the first of Jacques Chirac's many illegitamate love children. During the early years of his presidency, there were many rumours regarding his insatiable appetite for affairs. His wife, Bernadett de Courcel, was quoted as saying "'e 'ad an obsession wiz 'aving affaires. 'e would ask me to pretende zat I was married to anozzer man and 'e 'ad juste climbed dans ma chambre pour faire du l'amour" [This quote has been transcribed into an implausibly stereotypical French accent for authenticity]. Mr Chirac himself famously said "There have been many women I have loved a lot, as discreetly as possible". When asked for comment earlier this week, he simply shrugged expressively and said "Non". 

(Source) Jacques Chirac re-enacts what he did with his thumbs at the after-party the previous night


David Abraham said "My predecessor had a brain-wave. 'What if we start filming this Chirac bloke. We don't even need a script! This stuff writes itself!'. Well, the board didn't think much of it at first, but some of the early footage was pure gold, so we kept it going".

Things just kept getting better for Channel 4, as in 2007 the famous, diminutive love-rat Nicolas Sarkozy came into power. With his fabulous trophy wife Carla Bruni in tow, the show was going from strength to strength. Long interview segments with Ms Bruni denying being a gold-digger were getting positive feedback from test audiences, although the camera men seemed to have some difficulty getting her and her husband in the same shot.

(Source) Carla Bruni, her bassist, and Nicolas Sarkozy (standing behind the double bass)


However, when the dull and seemingly sexually inert Francois Hollande took office, the Channel 4 board of directors became concerned. Mr Abraham noted that "Fortunately for us, he turned out to be quite stereotypically French".

The hysterically puritanical British tabloids were quick to level hypocritical accusations against Hollande. Although Channel 4 did issue a statement saying that "The sexual exploits depicted within this show are in no way representative of the sexual activity, fidelity or disease status of the French government", the Daily Mail published an editorial asking whether "Mr Hollande's liberal, wishy-washy socialist, tyrannical dictatorship had any moral leg to stand on"[sic]


(Source) Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, and emeritus professor of redundant tautology and congruent oxymorons at the University of Moron




 The Express accused France of using British taxpayers' money to fund Mr Hollande's condom purchases, a claim which he strenuously denies. "I never 'sheathe my sword'. As a truly chivalrous gentleman, however, I always offer to pay for the abortion".


The Sun led with a story asking if Mr Hollande's infidelity had anything to do with billions of illegal immigrants flooding Britain and using benefits money to fund crime against British people. The Home Office answered "As with most nonsensical questions posed by the idiotic tabloid press, the answer is no."

Channel 4's PR agent, Ivana Sukitov, responded by accusing the tabloid press of being jealous, saying, "99% of these guys are men, and boy, are they ugly. And have you seen this Julie Gayet woman? My god, she's gorgeous. I'm heterosexual, but what I wouldn't give to dive head-first between her legs while she forces a pneumatic drill between mine".


(Source) Julie Gayet, French actress and source of pan-gender lust. This caption was typed with one hand.


Former Italian prime minister Sylvio Berlusconi was contacted for a comment, however he could not be heard over the sounds of orgasming 17-year-old escorts and drum'n'bass music.

Meanwhile, no-one in France cared.

2 comments:

  1. No wonder Hollande had France hand out birth control and abortion pills for free! #foresight

    (Also, daaaaamn Julie Gayet)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know, right!? Dayuuuuumn. I've changed my life goals; they now include becoming president of France.

    ReplyDelete