God to give up on humanity

In a shock announcement on His twitter feed, the Almighty has announced that humanity is simply "...not worth the effort any more". The comments came after years of increasing holy frustration with the seemingly endless self-destructive stupidity of the human race.

(Source) After seeing this old picture (from 2005) on His facebook newsfeed, God decided that humanity was a lost cause

God cited several reasons for deciding not to bother with humanity any more. He is quoted as saying "No matter how many times I try to tell people to just be nice to eachother, the same fucking morons rise to power. And I mean, boy, are they fucking stupid. Look at the Republican Party. Or Michael Gove. Or Ayatollah Khomeini. As if Richard Dawkins needed any more proof that I don't exist."

The Almighty was said to be more full of despair than anger, and political commentators have speculated that this may be why divine retribution in the form of St. Jude's Storm, which was predicted to utterly destroy England, has instead just been a slightly damp, windy day.

(Source) UK citizens did not realise that there was a storm, citing the fact that "The cricket is always cancelled due to rain anyway"

Shortly after the failed armageddon attempt, God tweeted again that He was definitely not going to try to restart humanity again, stating that "When you lot inevitably destroy yourselves, I think next time I'll go with dinosaurs again. But this time with lasers in their eyes. That shit sounds fucking awesome".

Mind-hero Higgs to retire

Professor Peter Higgs, famous for making up the word 'boson' and naming it after himself, announced today that he would retire from science next year, once he reaches the age of 85.  He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Weird Names for his groundbreaking work.

At a press conference he said "Basically, I'm going to turn off my brain by having a massive lobotomy. Then, I might join Westboro Baptist Church, or even start reading the Daily Mail."

(Source) Fred Phelps, Chief Moron of the Westboro Baptist Church has confirmed that if Prof Higgs can reduce his IQ to below 60 he will be allowed to join

Several government figures have been quick to comment on the situation. Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, insisted that Prof Higgs' work, and the subsequent identification of the Higgs boson at Cern would need to be verified by someone educated in his new curriculum because "No-one except me knows anything so everyone else is wrong and smells of poo".

Fire Minister Brandon Lewis is said to be outraged. According to Edward Snowden an anonymous source, he was so angry that he momentarily lost control over his bowels and had to go home to change his trousers and socks. He had recently announced changes to the firefighter's pension scheme that will make it compulsory for firemen to work until the age of 3000, and is said to be keen to lower hospital mortality rates by encouraging people to die at work.

George Osborne was unavailable, as his tongue was wedged firmly in China's collective rectum, gently tickling the national prostate.

The Higgs boson could not be found for comment.

House Republicans begin negotiations with vegetables

In an unusual turn of events, Republican and meat enthusiast House Speaker John Boehner, has sat down at the table with a cucumber, a cabbage and a selection of Democratic sprouts.

(Source) Several senior Democrats, seen here outside Congress, have welcomed the talks

Mr Boehner had previously stated that President Obama refused to negotiate with the Republican-led House, after the Senate released the following statement: "The US Government does not, and will continue to not negotiate with terrorists or fuckwad imbeciles".

However, in a move that has infuriated Republican hard-liners, Mr Boehner approached the Democrats first, in order to create bilateral talks between the House and a variety of healthy foodstuffs. Republican commentators have speculated that this unexpected action has been prompted by a severe case of museum withdrawal. Glenn Beck added "He's a traitor and a pussy, A PUSSY, A FUCKING PUSSY" and proceded to cry.

(Source) Glenn Beck is said to love his country so much that he has the national anthem tatooed on the inside of his colon

Bill O'Reilly led a 48-hour long Fox News special segment on the affair, and was particularly affronted by Mr Boehner's inclusion of a low fat yoghurt and muesli, both of which are signs of innate homosexuality, he has claimed.

Mr Boehner has denied these allegations, and attempted to demonstrate his patriotism and stereotypical Republican insanity by masturbating over a copy of the US Constitution while singing "The Stars and Stripes Forever". The move backfired when he sustained a paper cut on the tip of his penis.

The cucumber was quoted as saying "To be honest, I thought these Republicans would be complete and utter morons, intransigent, petty and pathetically selfish wastes of life, who lack any empathy or ability to compromise, but I was right".

Political experts have high hopes for these talks, and believe that Mr Boehner may in fact soon achieve his "5 a day". His wife was also pleased, saying "He's already had 3 heart attacks, which may not be as many as the typical Republican senator, but he's a significant source of income for me. I'd hate to have to move to a poor neighbourhood, full of criminals, blacks and Democrats".

Not everyone has been convinced of Mr Boehner's sincerity, however. Senator John Kerry remains sceptical, saying "Even if he eats all these vegetables, there's a lot of sprouts. All these talks will generate is a load of hot air"

Error 507

The internet is currently not working properly. This is due to the Republican-led House of Representatives being a bunch of whiny, arrogant turds.

Please try the following:

• Check to see if you have a stable internet connection
• Go on a murderous rampage of Republican congressmen
• Kill everyone in the USA who doesn't have insurance, or may one day have a child who will grow up to not have insurance, thus eliminating the need for Obamacare

If this doesn't work, please try again later in the vain hope that certain Republican fuckwads will have either used some common sense, or had the good grace to die a slow and painful death.

We apologise for any inconvenience, however the House of Representatives emphatically does not, and would like you to know that "We're still getting paid, so FUCK YOU poor people HAHAHAHA"