House Republicans begin negotiations with vegetables

In an unusual turn of events, Republican and meat enthusiast House Speaker John Boehner, has sat down at the table with a cucumber, a cabbage and a selection of Democratic sprouts.

(Source) Several senior Democrats, seen here outside Congress, have welcomed the talks

Mr Boehner had previously stated that President Obama refused to negotiate with the Republican-led House, after the Senate released the following statement: "The US Government does not, and will continue to not negotiate with terrorists or fuckwad imbeciles".

However, in a move that has infuriated Republican hard-liners, Mr Boehner approached the Democrats first, in order to create bilateral talks between the House and a variety of healthy foodstuffs. Republican commentators have speculated that this unexpected action has been prompted by a severe case of museum withdrawal. Glenn Beck added "He's a traitor and a pussy, A PUSSY, A FUCKING PUSSY" and proceded to cry.

(Source) Glenn Beck is said to love his country so much that he has the national anthem tatooed on the inside of his colon

Bill O'Reilly led a 48-hour long Fox News special segment on the affair, and was particularly affronted by Mr Boehner's inclusion of a low fat yoghurt and muesli, both of which are signs of innate homosexuality, he has claimed.

Mr Boehner has denied these allegations, and attempted to demonstrate his patriotism and stereotypical Republican insanity by masturbating over a copy of the US Constitution while singing "The Stars and Stripes Forever". The move backfired when he sustained a paper cut on the tip of his penis.

The cucumber was quoted as saying "To be honest, I thought these Republicans would be complete and utter morons, intransigent, petty and pathetically selfish wastes of life, who lack any empathy or ability to compromise, but I was right".

Political experts have high hopes for these talks, and believe that Mr Boehner may in fact soon achieve his "5 a day". His wife was also pleased, saying "He's already had 3 heart attacks, which may not be as many as the typical Republican senator, but he's a significant source of income for me. I'd hate to have to move to a poor neighbourhood, full of criminals, blacks and Democrats".

Not everyone has been convinced of Mr Boehner's sincerity, however. Senator John Kerry remains sceptical, saying "Even if he eats all these vegetables, there's a lot of sprouts. All these talks will generate is a load of hot air"