Mind-hero Higgs to retire

Professor Peter Higgs, famous for making up the word 'boson' and naming it after himself, announced today that he would retire from science next year, once he reaches the age of 85.  He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Weird Names for his groundbreaking work.

At a press conference he said "Basically, I'm going to turn off my brain by having a massive lobotomy. Then, I might join Westboro Baptist Church, or even start reading the Daily Mail."

(Source) Fred Phelps, Chief Moron of the Westboro Baptist Church has confirmed that if Prof Higgs can reduce his IQ to below 60 he will be allowed to join

Several government figures have been quick to comment on the situation. Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, insisted that Prof Higgs' work, and the subsequent identification of the Higgs boson at Cern would need to be verified by someone educated in his new curriculum because "No-one except me knows anything so everyone else is wrong and smells of poo".

Fire Minister Brandon Lewis is said to be outraged. According to Edward Snowden an anonymous source, he was so angry that he momentarily lost control over his bowels and had to go home to change his trousers and socks. He had recently announced changes to the firefighter's pension scheme that will make it compulsory for firemen to work until the age of 3000, and is said to be keen to lower hospital mortality rates by encouraging people to die at work.

George Osborne was unavailable, as his tongue was wedged firmly in China's collective rectum, gently tickling the national prostate.

The Higgs boson could not be found for comment.