God to give up on humanity

In a shock announcement on His twitter feed, the Almighty has announced that humanity is simply "...not worth the effort any more". The comments came after years of increasing holy frustration with the seemingly endless self-destructive stupidity of the human race.

(Source) After seeing this old picture (from 2005) on His facebook newsfeed, God decided that humanity was a lost cause

God cited several reasons for deciding not to bother with humanity any more. He is quoted as saying "No matter how many times I try to tell people to just be nice to eachother, the same fucking morons rise to power. And I mean, boy, are they fucking stupid. Look at the Republican Party. Or Michael Gove. Or Ayatollah Khomeini. As if Richard Dawkins needed any more proof that I don't exist."

The Almighty was said to be more full of despair than anger, and political commentators have speculated that this may be why divine retribution in the form of St. Jude's Storm, which was predicted to utterly destroy England, has instead just been a slightly damp, windy day.

(Source) UK citizens did not realise that there was a storm, citing the fact that "The cricket is always cancelled due to rain anyway"

Shortly after the failed armageddon attempt, God tweeted again that He was definitely not going to try to restart humanity again, stating that "When you lot inevitably destroy yourselves, I think next time I'll go with dinosaurs again. But this time with lasers in their eyes. That shit sounds fucking awesome".

Mind-hero Higgs to retire

Professor Peter Higgs, famous for making up the word 'boson' and naming it after himself, announced today that he would retire from science next year, once he reaches the age of 85.  He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Weird Names for his groundbreaking work.

At a press conference he said "Basically, I'm going to turn off my brain by having a massive lobotomy. Then, I might join Westboro Baptist Church, or even start reading the Daily Mail."

(Source) Fred Phelps, Chief Moron of the Westboro Baptist Church has confirmed that if Prof Higgs can reduce his IQ to below 60 he will be allowed to join

Several government figures have been quick to comment on the situation. Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, insisted that Prof Higgs' work, and the subsequent identification of the Higgs boson at Cern would need to be verified by someone educated in his new curriculum because "No-one except me knows anything so everyone else is wrong and smells of poo".

Fire Minister Brandon Lewis is said to be outraged. According to Edward Snowden an anonymous source, he was so angry that he momentarily lost control over his bowels and had to go home to change his trousers and socks. He had recently announced changes to the firefighter's pension scheme that will make it compulsory for firemen to work until the age of 3000, and is said to be keen to lower hospital mortality rates by encouraging people to die at work.

George Osborne was unavailable, as his tongue was wedged firmly in China's collective rectum, gently tickling the national prostate.

The Higgs boson could not be found for comment.

House Republicans begin negotiations with vegetables

In an unusual turn of events, Republican and meat enthusiast House Speaker John Boehner, has sat down at the table with a cucumber, a cabbage and a selection of Democratic sprouts.

(Source) Several senior Democrats, seen here outside Congress, have welcomed the talks

Mr Boehner had previously stated that President Obama refused to negotiate with the Republican-led House, after the Senate released the following statement: "The US Government does not, and will continue to not negotiate with terrorists or fuckwad imbeciles".

However, in a move that has infuriated Republican hard-liners, Mr Boehner approached the Democrats first, in order to create bilateral talks between the House and a variety of healthy foodstuffs. Republican commentators have speculated that this unexpected action has been prompted by a severe case of museum withdrawal. Glenn Beck added "He's a traitor and a pussy, A PUSSY, A FUCKING PUSSY" and proceded to cry.

(Source) Glenn Beck is said to love his country so much that he has the national anthem tatooed on the inside of his colon

Bill O'Reilly led a 48-hour long Fox News special segment on the affair, and was particularly affronted by Mr Boehner's inclusion of a low fat yoghurt and muesli, both of which are signs of innate homosexuality, he has claimed.

Mr Boehner has denied these allegations, and attempted to demonstrate his patriotism and stereotypical Republican insanity by masturbating over a copy of the US Constitution while singing "The Stars and Stripes Forever". The move backfired when he sustained a paper cut on the tip of his penis.

The cucumber was quoted as saying "To be honest, I thought these Republicans would be complete and utter morons, intransigent, petty and pathetically selfish wastes of life, who lack any empathy or ability to compromise, but I was right".

Political experts have high hopes for these talks, and believe that Mr Boehner may in fact soon achieve his "5 a day". His wife was also pleased, saying "He's already had 3 heart attacks, which may not be as many as the typical Republican senator, but he's a significant source of income for me. I'd hate to have to move to a poor neighbourhood, full of criminals, blacks and Democrats".

Not everyone has been convinced of Mr Boehner's sincerity, however. Senator John Kerry remains sceptical, saying "Even if he eats all these vegetables, there's a lot of sprouts. All these talks will generate is a load of hot air"

Error 507

The internet is currently not working properly. This is due to the Republican-led House of Representatives being a bunch of whiny, arrogant turds.

Please try the following:

• Check to see if you have a stable internet connection
• Go on a murderous rampage of Republican congressmen
• Kill everyone in the USA who doesn't have insurance, or may one day have a child who will grow up to not have insurance, thus eliminating the need for Obamacare

If this doesn't work, please try again later in the vain hope that certain Republican fuckwads will have either used some common sense, or had the good grace to die a slow and painful death.

We apologise for any inconvenience, however the House of Representatives emphatically does not, and would like you to know that "We're still getting paid, so FUCK YOU poor people HAHAHAHA"

US Senate to vote on 'Twerking Ban'

The US Senate is preparing to vote on a controversial ban of 'twerking'. Twerking is defined as "to dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance".

Twerking became an international issue after the Miley Cyrus invented it at the 2013 MTV VMAs. Grey-suited shit-monger Robin Thicke performed his unbearably boring song Blurred Lines with the assistance of America's most beloved barely legal, jail-bait, batshit insane mental case, Miley Cyrus. Unfortnately a prank involving magnets placed in Miley Cyrus' underpants backfired when they became strongly attracted to Thicke's mechanical genitals, causing Miley to uncontrollably rub her buttocks on a bemused Thicke.

(Source) Miley Cyrus, with her trademark 'Testicle Supports' hairstyle

Miley's PR agent later explained that "We didn't realise that Robin's robo-cock was ferromagnetic, and would like to apologise to all the enraged, uptight assholes who didn't even see the event but have decided to spread their ignorance around like a chimpanzee smearing faeces on the walls".

The video was soon widely available on the internet, and has polarised America. Proponents of the twerking ban have stated that twerking is immoral, and a cheap way for disturbingly mediocre singers to gain rapid publicity. Billy Ray Austin Cletus Stetson, from Texas, posted an angry rant on youtube, saying "Twerking is agin the Bible and Jaysus", while furiously masturbating to a nude picture of his sister.

Famous mother Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue, saying "As a mom[sic] who has 5 well balanced children with perfectly reasonable names, I am disgusted by the behaviour of Hannah Montana. I'd rather my daughter was Chinese than a twerker".

Opponents of the bill  have argued that a ban is not the answer. Famous feminist and supporter of breast suffrage, Nicki Minaj, said "Sister Miley is fighting against a patriarchal system from a position of complete disadvantage. She liberated her ass on stage, and I support her. That's why I don't wear clothes."

(Source) Britney Spears has stated that she actually travelled back in time to flash her crotch to the world in order to announce the twerkage of Miley Cyrus. She is now demanding that she be considered the John the Baptist of our time

Lady Gaga announced that she was planning a twerking tour of the largest, most phallic objects in the world, including The Gerkhin, the Empire State Building and the Eiffel Tower. She tweeted "It's gonna be awesome, I'm gonna end by shoving the fucking moon up my vagina."

Obama invites Rouhani around for sleepover

In what has been widely acclaimed as a thawing in relations between the USA and Iran, President Rouhani of Iran made a phone call to President Obama earlier today. US officials confirmed that Mr Rouhani would be attending a sleepover at the White House.

Mr Rouhani's mother, Ayatollah Khomeini, has given him permission to stay over for one night, on the condition that he goes to bed by 10pm, and does not drink any fizzy drinks. The Ayatollah posted on mumsnet: "He becomes extremely hyperactive if he drinks Coca Cola. Also, it is bad for your teeth. A jihad upon the destroyer of enamel".

(Source) Ayatollah Khomeini waves to Rouhani after dropping him off on his first day as president

Mr Obama announced "I'm having a small slumber party with some of my friends, like John [Kerry] and Bill [Clinton]. My mum said it would be nice to invite the new kid". He added "It's gonna be cool, we're gonna watch Star Wars. No girls allowed".

Mr Rouhani was recently elected as president of Iran, and is described as a 'moderate'. Benyamin Netanyahu has been critical, saying "Calling him [Rouhani] a moderate politician of Iran is like saying he's the most talented singer in The Wanted. It's bullshit". Mr Netanyahu has snubbed the sleepover, and released a statement saying "I can't be bothered with Obama's sleepover, there wont be any girls there, it's totally gay. I'm having a nuclear party at my place, gonna dance around a warhead in my underpants"

Shocking report: most newspaper journalists are immoral bastards

Lord Justice Leveson has revealed additional data gleaned from his inquiry into the phone-hacking scandal. In a live interview with the press, he stated that "Most journalists willfully and wantonly commit lies of omission or selective reporting of half baked pseudo-facts, in order to dupe the masses into buying their shitty newspapers". His report suggests that when they are not hacking your phones, emails and bank accounts, or engaged in a furious circle jerking session, journalists are actually up to something much more sinister: raping the truth.

(Source) Lord Leveson was so appalled by his findings that he vomited out his own eyeballs.

The report highlights a number of extremely disturbing practices used by many newspaper journalists as they struggle in vain against the slow and painful death of their medium, at the hands of the television and internet. Several prominent journalists and newspaper editors were called in for evidence.

The Daily Mail was revealed to use a Cynical Headline Generator. This consists of a database of tried and tested keywords including 'paedophile', 'illegal immigrant', 'AIDS', 'gay agenda' and 'Ed Milliband'. These are then combined in a randomised manner by a special computer programme with the specific aim of inducing a self-righteous ragegasm in Daily Mail readers. An unintended side effect of this is uncontrollable vomiting and despair in actual humans. The machine was produced as evidence for the inquiry and compiled headlines such as "Ed Milliband's childcare benefits allow paedophiles to spread AIDS", "Record numbers of illegal immigrants allow gay marriage to spread AIDS" and "Nick Clegg spreads AIDS".

The Daily Mail released a statement claiming "All of the headlines generated are rigorously researched to see if their is any evidence to support them, by performing a google search and seeing if any results are returned. If google states 'no results' then that headline is rejected".

(Source) Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, enjoying the smell of his own farts at a conference

Sadly, the report was not confined to the Daily Mail. Tony Gallagher, editor of The Telegraph, admitted to publishing articles ranging from half-truths to outright lies. He said "Look, at the end of the day, this is a business, right? No-one is going to buy a paper with the headline 'Education standards are OK', or 'Excellent teacher helps his students realise their potential'. Probably. As far as we're aware. We've never tried a positive headline. What the fuck kind of shit is that anyway?"

Paul Dacre of the Daily Mail was also interviewed, saying "About these 'failing hospitals', I read the Keogh report, although someone had to help me with some of the longer words. It just wasn't that exciting. So we went with headlines that convinced people that their doctors and nurses were incompetent foreign paedophiles who would murder them or their loved ones in their sleep. People actually feel better thinking that there are paedophiles prowling around their neighbourhoods, why else do they buy my shit heap of a newspaper?"

In his statement, editor of The Sun, David Dinsmore, said "Boobies!".

The News of the World was not included in the addendum to the report after former editor Andy Coulson confessed "I'm really just an awful cunt".

The Guardian was the least maligned (or read[or cared about]) of the newspapers involved. The inquiry found that some of its journalists were occasionally able to report alternative viewpoints, and were at times able to research topics via more stringent methods than a quick Wikipedia search. However, as most of the people who read The Guardian are hipsters, this was disallowed as defence of the journalistic profession on the grounds that hipsters are smug, annoying fuckbags.

Lord Justice Leveson concluded that "The overwhelming determination of my report is that journalists are a bunch of self-aggrandising, puffed up smegma-sacks. They are the first to bitch and whine like little pussies at any perceived slights against themselves or their newspapers, but have no problem lying, manipulating facts and doing horrible things to everyone else. I can only recommend that all journalists be rounded up and buried alive in dog diarrhoea".

X-Factor helps struggling A+E departments

The Department of Health has released data suggesting that the X-Factor has helped to reduce unnecessary A+E attendances by catering to attention-whores.

(Source) Jeremy Hunt has announced plans to keep the X-Factor running all year to help cut NHS costs

Acute Attention Withdrawal (AAW) is responsible for almost 40% of visits to A+E departments across the country. Leading psychologist Dr. Karl Ekbom explains that "AAW is a serious problem. Thousands of young people suddenly feel a pathological, uncontrollable urge to be the centre of attention. This often results in them visiting A+E so that they can have their egos stroked".

A+E consultant Dr. Melaena Helminth said "These people are often very lonely, in spite of having many friends and a healthy family support system. The fact that there is nothing physically or mentally wrong with them causes them to pretend to be unwell so that they can get some sympathy. This in turn detracts from the care of people who are actually unwell".

The X-Factor provides sufferers of AAW an outlet to gain attention from not only their family and friends, but also from the general public, by participating in a televised ritual humiliation. The DoH figures show a drastic fall in A+E attendances every year during X-Factor season. However, shadow health secretary Andrew Burnham was quick to point out that this was at best a temporary fix. "Once they are voted off, or indeed if they do not even make it to the boot camp stage, AAW sufferers are even more likely to pretend to be dying for no apparent reason".

Professor Jules Cotard, lecturer in psychology at the University of Basildon, noted that the government initiative does not strike at the root causes of AAW. "In this modern internet era, most of the time, AAW is exacerbated by not having enough followers on Twitter, or not enough Facebook friends. To cure AAW, we need to make sure that everyone is constantly clicking 'Like' on everything that is ever posted, ever".

Simon Cowell, creator of the X-Factor, has talked about his own struggles with AAW in numerous interviews. "It's one of the main reasons I created the X-Factor. I found it therapeutic. While sitting there and judging these talentless shits, it's all about me and what horribly cruel and dream-destroying things I can say".

(Source) Simon Cowell has admitted that being overly spiteful about other people makes him feel better about himself. The irony is not entirely lost on the author of this article.

Meanwhile, there has been a backlash against apparently normal people being allowed to enter the X-Factor. President and Very Important Person of the AAW Sufferers' Society, Wilhelm Jung released a statement saying "Why are these people allowed on? They're clearly not as important as me. If one of them wins, I swear to God I'm going to take a massive fucking overdose of lemsip and pear drops".

Godfrey Bloom - "I'm not sexist, but..."

The UKIP conference has become embroiled in controversy, as Godfrey Bloom managed to insult 50% of the world population and then lose his job.

Bloom is best known for probably being a sleeper agent smuggled into UKIP to destroy them from within. He had already made headlines by demanding that British aid money stop being sent to "Bongo Bongo Land". The ambassador for Bongo Bongo Land replied via email, saying "Hello Friend, I am a general with $30,000 to place into your account".

This time, Bloom targeted women, saying to a room full of them "You're all sluts". He then defended himself by adding "It was a joke, they all laughed, even the women. And most of them are either too stupid or too pregnant to understand politics anyway." He added that journalists "...need to get a grip. Seriously, here, grip the shaft of my penis".

(Source) Godfrey Bloom defines a 'slut' as a woman who 'does not clean behind the fridge, or leaves the kitchen without permission'

Michael Crick, of Channel 4 News fame, was so enraged by Bloom's casual disregard for political correctness that he headbutted Bloom's brochure. Feminists have thanked Crick for his selfless contribution to the cause.

Farage was said to have been outraged by the comments, and immediately suspended Bloom. Sources close to the UKIP leader said that he was incensed that Bloom's batshit insane remarks had taken attention away from his own fantastic racism.

Farage has claimed that the UK is in the midst of a "Romanian crime wave", with 6 out of 5 crimes committed by Eastern European immigrants. He went on to say "They come over here, and take the work from honest British criminals, forcing them to turn to a life of law-abiding salaried jobs".

(Source) This young lady cleans behind the fridge. Unfortunately for Godfrey, she's Polish.

When asked about Bloom's comments during an interview, Baroness O'Neill, chair of the Equality and Human Rights Commission said "I'd rather talk about Nigel Farage's tie. It's really shit. If I'm honest, it's actually a bit worse than sexism".

Meanwhile Ed Milliband had absolutely nothing to say, because both of his speech writers were away on holiday. Faced with the terrifying prospect of independent thought, he lost control and Ed Balls had to take him home to change his nappy.

On a positive note, not everyone was upset by Bloom's remarks. Popular purveyor of filth and generally talentless waste of life Miley Cyrus tweeted "Fuck yeah! Finally, my vagina is getting some recognition! Totally worth the carpet burns from Robin Thicke's trousers"

Lib Dem Conference extremely boring

Clegg's speech has hit the headlines for it's sheer length and insipidness

Nick Clegg has made his long awaited speech at the Liberal Democrat conference. After 2 days of riveting boredom, party members were treated to a long, rambling talk, in which Clegg made some extraordinary remarks.

In one of the most contentious statements ever made at a Lib Dem conference, he said "It is important that we stay in government". One astonished MP said, "Well, I didn't expect him to suggest that we try to win an election."

Clegg's 3 years of power-sharing with the Tory party have been rocked by numerous scandals and accusations, with many of his own MPs rebelling, either by voting against his proposals or drawing penises on their voting cards. Clegg has begun to appear more and more isolated, with even other Lib Dem cabinet members trying to distance themselves from David Cameron. He became emotional as he said "When you guys insult David Cameron, it hurts me, mainly because he gets angry and later on is really rough in bed".

Meanwhile, Vince Cable, now suddenly a long standing critic of sharing power with the Tories, had earlier launched a scathing attack on the Conservative party. Unfortunately, people were distracted by the hypocrisy stains on his tie and could not take him seriously. He also conducted a seance and contacted Sir Menzies Campbell, who gave him good news. "He reassured me that we are now trailing in 4th place behind UKIP in most opinion polls. Finally, we are back where we belong"

UKIP's recent success is thought by many to be due to a series of mistakes caused by an influx of underqualified work-experience students from the EU taking over the opinion poll companies' data collection. A UKIP statement said "They don't speak enough English to recognise a tick in a box, bloody foreigners". Coming in 3rd in opinion polls in many areas, UKIP are fast becoming the most important irrelevant party. Nigel Farage, UKIP leader, was unavailable for comment as he was busy masturbating in front of a mirror.

Nigel Farage after collecting his award for "Shittest Tie"

(All images copyright BBC)

Michael Gove breaks world record

Michael Gove today entered the history books that he is trying so desperately to destroy, by setting a new Guinness world record for 'Biggest shit stain in the pants of humanity'. Experts have suggested that his record may not be broken for the foreseeable future.

"Yes, this is the size of both my brain and my penis"

Gove is best known for having the face of a cauliflower that has been launched into a wall by the Large Hadron Collider, but with none of the beloved vegetable's charisma or wit. However, he is determined to create a legacy of ignorance and stupidity by tearing down the education system. In an interview with Moron Today magazine, he said "The education system in this country is archaic and outdated. The only solution is to replace it with a new and innovative system that is in fact the same one that it replaced. Irony will no longer be on the syllabus". He also has plans to improve literacy and maths in primary school, by replacing over 150 English words and all mathematical symbols with 'Gove'.

For the last year, he has launched a sustained attack on teachers all across the nation, enraging educators to such an extent that one primary school teacher has developed a rare form of epilepsy which causes her to repeatedly scream "GOVE IS A CUNT" for up to 3 hours. On a positive note, her Year 3 class now conforms with the new Gove vocabulary standards.

Doctors at the Royal London Hospital said that it was one of the worst cases of cranio-rectal inversion that they had ever seen; two thirds of his brain remain trapped in his anus

Not satisfied with his excellence in the Ministry of Education, he decided to lend a hand to his colleagues by solving the national 'poor people crisis'. In a statement to the Bank of Daddy's Trust Fund, he claimed "Poor people are only in their financial situation because they're too stupid to have money." In one fell swoop, he diagnosed the problem and provided a solution; rich people everywhere should simply insult those less well off than themselves until they evaporate.

Fortunately for the world, Gove is not one to rest on his laurels (mainly because it makes his face look like a rushed Caesar salad). His spokesman has said to "expect more harebrained lunatic policies that are further detached from reality than 50 Cent is from his personality"

(All images copyright BBC - I try to avoid keeping pictures of rancid turds on my computer)

Justin Bieb-ophile

Robert Hunter (Copyright BBC)

Robert Hunter, a 35 year old paedophile, yesterday pleaded guilty to 29 counts of being a sick, twisted piece of shit. Displaying remarkable online ominpresence, he had collected over 800 videos of children from all around the world. By pretending to be Justin Bieber.

Reports suggest that in fact, many of Justin Bieber's songs actually do encourage promiscuity in young adolescents, by means of subtle suliminal messages that cause spontaneous clothing failure. Hunter took advantage of this by searching google for "Justin Bieber" and selecting one of the billions of resulting images for his profile picture. 

Residents and neighbours were shocked to varying degrees, with one saying "He seemed to spend more time masturbating in public playgrounds than the average man". Another said "I knew he was a paedo, that's why I stole his fucking hubcaps". A local Parents Group has called for a measured response, signing a petition for a bill to round up all men over the age of 16 capable of sustaining an erection and shooting them.

Hunter's lawyer, Tina Pawson, stated that in mitigation, he was a "lonely individual who had difficulties in forming relationships with adults", known in laymans terms as the 'Michael Jackson Defence'. Miss Pawson added that "...and, well, Middlesborough is a bit shit really, there's fuck all else to do".

Judge Peter Bowers was disgusted by the sheer volume of evidence and the disparity between Hunter's right and left arms. In an attempt to solve the problem of the paedophile epidemic that is paralysing the nation, and not wanting to seem to be soft on child sex offenders, he handed out a sentence of 1 trillion years with time served. 

However, Hunter may be out in 7 years on good behaviour.  Protest groups reacted angrily to this, stating that it is hardly difficult for paedophiles to not rape children while in prison.

Unless, of course, war weren't declared

The 'Syria crisis' has been ongoing for almost 2 years, for most of which the rest of the world managed to ignore it. All of that changed when President Obama was told by one of his aides that apparently Mr Assad had called him a pussy. Angered by this attack on his masculinity, as well as the ongoing insanity of the Tea Party, Mr Obama decided to take action.

"Hey Assad, yo momma so ugly she makes onions cry"

The world was waiting with baited breath for Congress to cast a vote on military intervention, when something amazing happened. Senator Kerry inadvertantly avoided war and accidentally started a diplomatic 'solution'. The rest of the world has reacted with the usual unsuprising variety of self-important responses.

Monsier Hollande had previously acted in accordance with French International Policy Protocol by adopting a position of 'Loud, meaningless posturing'. Fortunately for him, there's no war at present, so he wont have to recall the French Army tank back from Mali.

In the UK, David Cameron told Mr Obama "If I could, Then I would, I'll go wherever you will go (including to war without prior consideration of alternative options)". Alas the House of Commons interrupted his emotional ballad with a resounding "NO" and cries of "Get a room". Mr Obama has said that he is "...not really bothered" and that "Cameron isn't even my bottom bitch".

Mr Putin naturally leapt at the chance to avoid strikes against his high-school drinking buddy Mr Assad. Because, 'bros before hos'. 'Hos' of course being political gangsta speak for 'chemically murdered people'. Reports say that Assad is unhappy about being forced to destroy his chemical toys, but Mr Putin has softened the blow by assuring him that Russia will export 10 tonnes of Earl Litvinenko tea.

With a zesty Polonium-210 aftertaste

Under Mr Xi Jinping, China continue in their role as IRL UN Trolls, by spamming the UN forum with "VETO FUCKING EVERYTHING LOLOL!!1!11" It being the UN, the forum moderators were unable to do anything, the forum having fewer rules than 4chan's /b/.

King of the UN, Mr Ban Ki Moon, insisted that the UN is totally not as useless as the League of Nations, and forcefully made his point by doing nothing.

Meanwhile, Mr Assad is regretting choosing ophthalmology as his medical specialty, and is currently being incessantly bleeped by A+E doctors asking for "Advice regarding my patient, 15 year old male who presented with a rocket in the eye".