Shocking report: most newspaper journalists are immoral bastards

Lord Justice Leveson has revealed additional data gleaned from his inquiry into the phone-hacking scandal. In a live interview with the press, he stated that "Most journalists willfully and wantonly commit lies of omission or selective reporting of half baked pseudo-facts, in order to dupe the masses into buying their shitty newspapers". His report suggests that when they are not hacking your phones, emails and bank accounts, or engaged in a furious circle jerking session, journalists are actually up to something much more sinister: raping the truth.

(Source) Lord Leveson was so appalled by his findings that he vomited out his own eyeballs.

The report highlights a number of extremely disturbing practices used by many newspaper journalists as they struggle in vain against the slow and painful death of their medium, at the hands of the television and internet. Several prominent journalists and newspaper editors were called in for evidence.

The Daily Mail was revealed to use a Cynical Headline Generator. This consists of a database of tried and tested keywords including 'paedophile', 'illegal immigrant', 'AIDS', 'gay agenda' and 'Ed Milliband'. These are then combined in a randomised manner by a special computer programme with the specific aim of inducing a self-righteous ragegasm in Daily Mail readers. An unintended side effect of this is uncontrollable vomiting and despair in actual humans. The machine was produced as evidence for the inquiry and compiled headlines such as "Ed Milliband's childcare benefits allow paedophiles to spread AIDS", "Record numbers of illegal immigrants allow gay marriage to spread AIDS" and "Nick Clegg spreads AIDS".

The Daily Mail released a statement claiming "All of the headlines generated are rigorously researched to see if their is any evidence to support them, by performing a google search and seeing if any results are returned. If google states 'no results' then that headline is rejected".

(Source) Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, enjoying the smell of his own farts at a conference

Sadly, the report was not confined to the Daily Mail. Tony Gallagher, editor of The Telegraph, admitted to publishing articles ranging from half-truths to outright lies. He said "Look, at the end of the day, this is a business, right? No-one is going to buy a paper with the headline 'Education standards are OK', or 'Excellent teacher helps his students realise their potential'. Probably. As far as we're aware. We've never tried a positive headline. What the fuck kind of shit is that anyway?"

Paul Dacre of the Daily Mail was also interviewed, saying "About these 'failing hospitals', I read the Keogh report, although someone had to help me with some of the longer words. It just wasn't that exciting. So we went with headlines that convinced people that their doctors and nurses were incompetent foreign paedophiles who would murder them or their loved ones in their sleep. People actually feel better thinking that there are paedophiles prowling around their neighbourhoods, why else do they buy my shit heap of a newspaper?"

In his statement, editor of The Sun, David Dinsmore, said "Boobies!".

The News of the World was not included in the addendum to the report after former editor Andy Coulson confessed "I'm really just an awful cunt".

The Guardian was the least maligned (or read[or cared about]) of the newspapers involved. The inquiry found that some of its journalists were occasionally able to report alternative viewpoints, and were at times able to research topics via more stringent methods than a quick Wikipedia search. However, as most of the people who read The Guardian are hipsters, this was disallowed as defence of the journalistic profession on the grounds that hipsters are smug, annoying fuckbags.

Lord Justice Leveson concluded that "The overwhelming determination of my report is that journalists are a bunch of self-aggrandising, puffed up smegma-sacks. They are the first to bitch and whine like little pussies at any perceived slights against themselves or their newspapers, but have no problem lying, manipulating facts and doing horrible things to everyone else. I can only recommend that all journalists be rounded up and buried alive in dog diarrhoea".