Lib Dem Conference extremely boring

Clegg's speech has hit the headlines for it's sheer length and insipidness

Nick Clegg has made his long awaited speech at the Liberal Democrat conference. After 2 days of riveting boredom, party members were treated to a long, rambling talk, in which Clegg made some extraordinary remarks.

In one of the most contentious statements ever made at a Lib Dem conference, he said "It is important that we stay in government". One astonished MP said, "Well, I didn't expect him to suggest that we try to win an election."

Clegg's 3 years of power-sharing with the Tory party have been rocked by numerous scandals and accusations, with many of his own MPs rebelling, either by voting against his proposals or drawing penises on their voting cards. Clegg has begun to appear more and more isolated, with even other Lib Dem cabinet members trying to distance themselves from David Cameron. He became emotional as he said "When you guys insult David Cameron, it hurts me, mainly because he gets angry and later on is really rough in bed".

Meanwhile, Vince Cable, now suddenly a long standing critic of sharing power with the Tories, had earlier launched a scathing attack on the Conservative party. Unfortunately, people were distracted by the hypocrisy stains on his tie and could not take him seriously. He also conducted a seance and contacted Sir Menzies Campbell, who gave him good news. "He reassured me that we are now trailing in 4th place behind UKIP in most opinion polls. Finally, we are back where we belong"

UKIP's recent success is thought by many to be due to a series of mistakes caused by an influx of underqualified work-experience students from the EU taking over the opinion poll companies' data collection. A UKIP statement said "They don't speak enough English to recognise a tick in a box, bloody foreigners". Coming in 3rd in opinion polls in many areas, UKIP are fast becoming the most important irrelevant party. Nigel Farage, UKIP leader, was unavailable for comment as he was busy masturbating in front of a mirror.

Nigel Farage after collecting his award for "Shittest Tie"

(All images copyright BBC)