Michael Gove breaks world record

Michael Gove today entered the history books that he is trying so desperately to destroy, by setting a new Guinness world record for 'Biggest shit stain in the pants of humanity'. Experts have suggested that his record may not be broken for the foreseeable future.

"Yes, this is the size of both my brain and my penis"

Gove is best known for having the face of a cauliflower that has been launched into a wall by the Large Hadron Collider, but with none of the beloved vegetable's charisma or wit. However, he is determined to create a legacy of ignorance and stupidity by tearing down the education system. In an interview with Moron Today magazine, he said "The education system in this country is archaic and outdated. The only solution is to replace it with a new and innovative system that is in fact the same one that it replaced. Irony will no longer be on the syllabus". He also has plans to improve literacy and maths in primary school, by replacing over 150 English words and all mathematical symbols with 'Gove'.

For the last year, he has launched a sustained attack on teachers all across the nation, enraging educators to such an extent that one primary school teacher has developed a rare form of epilepsy which causes her to repeatedly scream "GOVE IS A CUNT" for up to 3 hours. On a positive note, her Year 3 class now conforms with the new Gove vocabulary standards.

Doctors at the Royal London Hospital said that it was one of the worst cases of cranio-rectal inversion that they had ever seen; two thirds of his brain remain trapped in his anus

Not satisfied with his excellence in the Ministry of Education, he decided to lend a hand to his colleagues by solving the national 'poor people crisis'. In a statement to the Bank of Daddy's Trust Fund, he claimed "Poor people are only in their financial situation because they're too stupid to have money." In one fell swoop, he diagnosed the problem and provided a solution; rich people everywhere should simply insult those less well off than themselves until they evaporate.

Fortunately for the world, Gove is not one to rest on his laurels (mainly because it makes his face look like a rushed Caesar salad). His spokesman has said to "expect more harebrained lunatic policies that are further detached from reality than 50 Cent is from his personality"

(All images copyright BBC - I try to avoid keeping pictures of rancid turds on my computer)