X-Factor helps struggling A+E departments

The Department of Health has released data suggesting that the X-Factor has helped to reduce unnecessary A+E attendances by catering to attention-whores.

(Source) Jeremy Hunt has announced plans to keep the X-Factor running all year to help cut NHS costs

Acute Attention Withdrawal (AAW) is responsible for almost 40% of visits to A+E departments across the country. Leading psychologist Dr. Karl Ekbom explains that "AAW is a serious problem. Thousands of young people suddenly feel a pathological, uncontrollable urge to be the centre of attention. This often results in them visiting A+E so that they can have their egos stroked".

A+E consultant Dr. Melaena Helminth said "These people are often very lonely, in spite of having many friends and a healthy family support system. The fact that there is nothing physically or mentally wrong with them causes them to pretend to be unwell so that they can get some sympathy. This in turn detracts from the care of people who are actually unwell".

The X-Factor provides sufferers of AAW an outlet to gain attention from not only their family and friends, but also from the general public, by participating in a televised ritual humiliation. The DoH figures show a drastic fall in A+E attendances every year during X-Factor season. However, shadow health secretary Andrew Burnham was quick to point out that this was at best a temporary fix. "Once they are voted off, or indeed if they do not even make it to the boot camp stage, AAW sufferers are even more likely to pretend to be dying for no apparent reason".

Professor Jules Cotard, lecturer in psychology at the University of Basildon, noted that the government initiative does not strike at the root causes of AAW. "In this modern internet era, most of the time, AAW is exacerbated by not having enough followers on Twitter, or not enough Facebook friends. To cure AAW, we need to make sure that everyone is constantly clicking 'Like' on everything that is ever posted, ever".

Simon Cowell, creator of the X-Factor, has talked about his own struggles with AAW in numerous interviews. "It's one of the main reasons I created the X-Factor. I found it therapeutic. While sitting there and judging these talentless shits, it's all about me and what horribly cruel and dream-destroying things I can say".

(Source) Simon Cowell has admitted that being overly spiteful about other people makes him feel better about himself. The irony is not entirely lost on the author of this article.

Meanwhile, there has been a backlash against apparently normal people being allowed to enter the X-Factor. President and Very Important Person of the AAW Sufferers' Society, Wilhelm Jung released a statement saying "Why are these people allowed on? They're clearly not as important as me. If one of them wins, I swear to God I'm going to take a massive fucking overdose of lemsip and pear drops".