Justin Bieb-ophile

Robert Hunter (Copyright BBC)

Robert Hunter, a 35 year old paedophile, yesterday pleaded guilty to 29 counts of being a sick, twisted piece of shit. Displaying remarkable online ominpresence, he had collected over 800 videos of children from all around the world. By pretending to be Justin Bieber.

Reports suggest that in fact, many of Justin Bieber's songs actually do encourage promiscuity in young adolescents, by means of subtle suliminal messages that cause spontaneous clothing failure. Hunter took advantage of this by searching google for "Justin Bieber" and selecting one of the billions of resulting images for his profile picture. 

Residents and neighbours were shocked to varying degrees, with one saying "He seemed to spend more time masturbating in public playgrounds than the average man". Another said "I knew he was a paedo, that's why I stole his fucking hubcaps". A local Parents Group has called for a measured response, signing a petition for a bill to round up all men over the age of 16 capable of sustaining an erection and shooting them.

Hunter's lawyer, Tina Pawson, stated that in mitigation, he was a "lonely individual who had difficulties in forming relationships with adults", known in laymans terms as the 'Michael Jackson Defence'. Miss Pawson added that "...and, well, Middlesborough is a bit shit really, there's fuck all else to do".

Judge Peter Bowers was disgusted by the sheer volume of evidence and the disparity between Hunter's right and left arms. In an attempt to solve the problem of the paedophile epidemic that is paralysing the nation, and not wanting to seem to be soft on child sex offenders, he handed out a sentence of 1 trillion years with time served. 

However, Hunter may be out in 7 years on good behaviour.  Protest groups reacted angrily to this, stating that it is hardly difficult for paedophiles to not rape children while in prison.