World peace a possibility in 2014

In a surprising move towards international unity, world leaders have met in Stockholm for an international New Year Resolution Summit. Various heads of state publicly pledged to stick to their resolutions, and denied that they would fail within a month.

US president Barack Obama announced that he would keep his Norton Antivirus software up to date on his Affordable Care Act computers, "...to prevent any further fuck-ups, and get Bill Fucking O'Reilly off my case". However, Republican opponents have pointed out that the effort of clicking 'Update' may prove too much for a man who couldn't even be bothered to carry his birth certificate on his person at all times.

Meanwhile, David Cameron, prime minister of the UK, has pledged to stick to the advice given in his weekly horoscopes. He went on to say "The latest prediction says that 'You will be spending a lot of time at home this week, because you have no friends. Why not use this time to go fuck yourself?'. Oh, wait, that's not my horoscope, that's yet another bloody note from Ed Milliband".

Vladimir Putin, president of Russia, said that this year, he would continue to crush his enemies. Given his evident success with this in 2013, as correlated with the 'suicide' rate among dissenting journalists and politicians, most observers suspect that Mr Putin is quite likely to achieve a significant decrease in overcrowding if nothing else.

(Source) Vladimir Putin demonstrates his firm grip, reputed to be the leading cause of increasing eunuch numbers in Moscow

Ayatollah Khomeini, supreme leader of Iran, skyped the conference on behalf of his bitch boy Hassan Rouhani, and promised that he would give up enriching uranium. To show his commitment, he has purchased a years' supply of uranium patches to help with the cravings. He has also signed up for rehab, regarding his addiction to attempting to destroy Israel.

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, vowed to continue antagonising Palestinians by building a giant toilet on the West Bank, with a really noisy flush.

Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe, and Chinese president Xi Jinping, both made the same resolution, to increase military spending and mobilise their respective navies to defend disputed territories. They both then claimed that the other had copied them. Mr Jinping inferred that Mr Abe enjoyed receiving anal sex in public locations, to which Mr Abe retorted that he only homoerotic acts with Mr Jinping's mother. Both leaders had to be escorted out by police.

Helle Thorning-Schmidt, the Danish prime minister, said that in 2014 she would "...try to stop being such a smoking hot MILF". However, she went on to say that she could make no promises, while winking suggestively and sucking a lolipop.

(Source) Helle Thorning-Schmidt celebrates after being told that she won FHM's 'Sexiest Politician Award' for the 3rd year running.

(Source) FHM's 'Sexiest Politician Award' runner-up Angela Merkel was visibly disappointed

Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea, was not in attendance. North Korean news agencies reported that in 2014, he would spend less time masturbating on execution warrants, and more time actually reading them.

Obama invites Rouhani around for sleepover

In what has been widely acclaimed as a thawing in relations between the USA and Iran, President Rouhani of Iran made a phone call to President Obama earlier today. US officials confirmed that Mr Rouhani would be attending a sleepover at the White House.

Mr Rouhani's mother, Ayatollah Khomeini, has given him permission to stay over for one night, on the condition that he goes to bed by 10pm, and does not drink any fizzy drinks. The Ayatollah posted on mumsnet: "He becomes extremely hyperactive if he drinks Coca Cola. Also, it is bad for your teeth. A jihad upon the destroyer of enamel".

(Source) Ayatollah Khomeini waves to Rouhani after dropping him off on his first day as president

Mr Obama announced "I'm having a small slumber party with some of my friends, like John [Kerry] and Bill [Clinton]. My mum said it would be nice to invite the new kid". He added "It's gonna be cool, we're gonna watch Star Wars. No girls allowed".

Mr Rouhani was recently elected as president of Iran, and is described as a 'moderate'. Benyamin Netanyahu has been critical, saying "Calling him [Rouhani] a moderate politician of Iran is like saying he's the most talented singer in The Wanted. It's bullshit". Mr Netanyahu has snubbed the sleepover, and released a statement saying "I can't be bothered with Obama's sleepover, there wont be any girls there, it's totally gay. I'm having a nuclear party at my place, gonna dance around a warhead in my underpants"

Unless, of course, war weren't declared

The 'Syria crisis' has been ongoing for almost 2 years, for most of which the rest of the world managed to ignore it. All of that changed when President Obama was told by one of his aides that apparently Mr Assad had called him a pussy. Angered by this attack on his masculinity, as well as the ongoing insanity of the Tea Party, Mr Obama decided to take action.

"Hey Assad, yo momma so ugly she makes onions cry"

The world was waiting with baited breath for Congress to cast a vote on military intervention, when something amazing happened. Senator Kerry inadvertantly avoided war and accidentally started a diplomatic 'solution'. The rest of the world has reacted with the usual unsuprising variety of self-important responses.

Monsier Hollande had previously acted in accordance with French International Policy Protocol by adopting a position of 'Loud, meaningless posturing'. Fortunately for him, there's no war at present, so he wont have to recall the French Army tank back from Mali.

In the UK, David Cameron told Mr Obama "If I could, Then I would, I'll go wherever you will go (including to war without prior consideration of alternative options)". Alas the House of Commons interrupted his emotional ballad with a resounding "NO" and cries of "Get a room". Mr Obama has said that he is "...not really bothered" and that "Cameron isn't even my bottom bitch".

Mr Putin naturally leapt at the chance to avoid strikes against his high-school drinking buddy Mr Assad. Because, 'bros before hos'. 'Hos' of course being political gangsta speak for 'chemically murdered people'. Reports say that Assad is unhappy about being forced to destroy his chemical toys, but Mr Putin has softened the blow by assuring him that Russia will export 10 tonnes of Earl Litvinenko tea.

With a zesty Polonium-210 aftertaste

Under Mr Xi Jinping, China continue in their role as IRL UN Trolls, by spamming the UN forum with "VETO FUCKING EVERYTHING LOLOL!!1!11" It being the UN, the forum moderators were unable to do anything, the forum having fewer rules than 4chan's /b/.

King of the UN, Mr Ban Ki Moon, insisted that the UN is totally not as useless as the League of Nations, and forcefully made his point by doing nothing.

Meanwhile, Mr Assad is regretting choosing ophthalmology as his medical specialty, and is currently being incessantly bleeped by A+E doctors asking for "Advice regarding my patient, 15 year old male who presented with a rocket in the eye".