US president Barack Obama announced that he would keep his Norton Antivirus software up to date on his Affordable Care Act computers, "...to prevent any further fuck-ups, and get Bill Fucking O'Reilly off my case". However, Republican opponents have pointed out that the effort of clicking 'Update' may prove too much for a man who couldn't even be bothered to carry his birth certificate on his person at all times.
Meanwhile, David Cameron, prime minister of the UK, has pledged to stick to the advice given in his weekly horoscopes. He went on to say "The latest prediction says that 'You will be spending a lot of time at home this week, because you have no friends. Why not use this time to go fuck yourself?'. Oh, wait, that's not my horoscope, that's yet another bloody note from Ed Milliband".
Vladimir Putin, president of Russia, said that this year, he would continue to crush his enemies. Given his evident success with this in 2013, as correlated with the 'suicide' rate among dissenting journalists and politicians, most observers suspect that Mr Putin is quite likely to achieve a significant decrease in overcrowding if nothing else.
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| (Source) Vladimir Putin demonstrates his firm grip, reputed to be the leading cause of increasing eunuch numbers in Moscow |
Ayatollah Khomeini, supreme leader of Iran, skyped the conference on behalf of his bitch boy Hassan Rouhani, and promised that he would give up enriching uranium. To show his commitment, he has purchased a years' supply of uranium patches to help with the cravings. He has also signed up for rehab, regarding his addiction to attempting to destroy Israel.
Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, vowed to continue antagonising Palestinians by building a giant toilet on the West Bank, with a really noisy flush.
Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe, and Chinese president Xi Jinping, both made the same resolution, to increase military spending and mobilise their respective navies to defend disputed territories. They both then claimed that the other had copied them. Mr Jinping inferred that Mr Abe enjoyed receiving anal sex in public locations, to which Mr Abe retorted that he only homoerotic acts with Mr Jinping's mother. Both leaders had to be escorted out by police.
Helle Thorning-Schmidt, the Danish prime minister, said that in 2014 she would "...try to stop being such a smoking hot MILF". However, she went on to say that she could make no promises, while winking suggestively and sucking a lolipop.
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| (Source) Helle Thorning-Schmidt celebrates after being told that she won FHM's 'Sexiest Politician Award' for the 3rd year running. |
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| (Source) FHM's 'Sexiest Politician Award' runner-up Angela Merkel was visibly disappointed |
Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea, was not in attendance. North Korean news agencies reported that in 2014, he would spend less time masturbating on execution warrants, and more time actually reading them.
I though Kim Jong-un would use execution warrants to practice his lay-ups. Denis Rodman promised to show him how.
ReplyDeleteAlso, hello and you are fucking hilarious.
Haha, poor, poor Denis Rodman. What a strange man.
DeleteAnd thank you madam, you hold the privileged position of being the sole reader of my online bile and venom. We can't all be thought-provoking *cough*likeyou*cough*, so some of us have to settle for sarcasm and bitterness.